I'm in the heart of Amsterdam on a summer's day, in a boulevard cafe, with a friend who's coincidentally also called Liv. We've decided to go on a trip together to explore the city while on summer break from our University studies.
At this point, I'm one year deep into my Music Management course in London, and just beginning to learn about what it will take to get started in the industry. I don't know which path I want to take, but one of my next steps is about to be shown to me.
In 2017, I'd been to Printworks for the first time to see Steve Angello play and had met someone outside who was also a big fan of his music. He mentioned about a course Amy Thomson (previous manager for Swedish House Mafia) was doing for people who wanted to study the business side of the industry, and learn more about her experiences. I ended up signing up to do this course, on his recommendation. I remember feeling in awe at the concept, and thinking I'd never have known about it if he hadn't shown me. I filled in numerous questions about my connections to music, my goals for the future, adverts I'd found interesting and on that summer's day in Amsterdam... I learned I'd got in.
The experience itself was beyond anything I could've anticipated and it was overwhelming to be there. I was so excited and so nervous, and the timing of the lectures had coincided with a time in my life where I was suffering more than I'd ever know before. The mixture of the excitement at being there, and the severe depression I was going through at the time, left me in a conflicted state.
I remember having the specific sensation that I was "not good enough" to be there, and having that thought pop up front and centre in my brain as soon as we started the course. In so many ways, I was on the verge of walking away from music as a whole. In the middle of Shoreditch, people from all around the world gathered to hear Amy Thomson speak, and out of everyone I am certain I felt the least worthy of being there. Maybe it was a fear of actually being seen, or worrying about the comparison of my confidence and knowledge versus the many, many others who seemed to be so much more accomplished and capable than me. I can't remember a time in my life where I felt the very pits of low self-esteem and anxiety than that particular time.
Despite those dark feelings, I still felt a deep underlying sense I would pull through.
I also felt a sense that, despite learning all the rules and processes of how things had been done before, it would still have to be done differently again in order to stand out.
The industry changes all the time (and so do we!), and once the dust had settled after my experience on the course, I found myself slowly coming back into the game again and trusting my instinct. There have been so many times I've felt lost, or wanted to quit or walk away from working in music, and yet if I had at those points, there's so many amazing opportunities, friendships and experiences I would've missed out on.
I'm grateful for the lows as much as the highs, and I understand that these feelings help you develop resilience. Failure is not disconnected from success, and befriending the fear of failure helps you lean into the likelihood of success also. They come hand-in-hand and I also believe this is what makes it all so exciting.
You could fall, or you could fly.
I was surprised to find myself featured at the start of the MYOB course video, and even more surprised at what I'd said. I remember being chosen to stand up and speak, and the camera positioned in front of my face. I remember feeling eyes on me, and my fear of being seen and showing up playing out into a mild panic attack internally. Yet, it's hard to tell I feel this way when the video is played.
I do want to make a big change in the music industry.
In some ways, I hope writing this can be a part of that.
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